a new grad's resignation letter
by, 08-24-2010 at 09:13 PM (10747 Views)
I started my day writing my first ever resignation letter as an RN. Where do you start? Quite ironic since this week should have been my first week out of orientation when I would have been "set-free" from my perceptor's eagle eyes and the constant scrutiny of being "the new kid on the block" from the rest of the staff. I am a new grad. what seemed like a "quickie" two year journey to finish an ADN actually took forever to finish. This was supposed to be a second degree after getting a bachelors' from a different field. Taking nursing could be compared to a second romance after a bitter first break-up after all, the years have taken their toll on me;life experiences have made me wiser, more responsible and a better student or so I thought. I began to google for resignation templates. There was the classic standard ones, the ones that began with "it is with deep regret" and ends with "thank you for everything"... As If I am really regretting the fact that I am leaving except that it has just been two months of orientation for my first REAL RN job. The feeling was very surreal. People would kill to be in this job given the economy....
I have found myself procastinating. I dont want to deal with this. Not now. I am not yet ready. I will never be ready. I want time to stand still. Goodbyes are never easy. Early nursing memories are like warning traffic signs bearing "CAUTION" and I am struggling as I type to keep the memories at bay. I am determined to finish this letter. My decision to leave has been made final by circumstances that are just too difficult for a new grad like me to overcome at this time.
"A good nurse is an honest nurse who knows when the job is not for her". I made this mantra up. I had to repeat it again and again so as not to forget that I had to leave. So i pondered my first sentence.
Dear Ms X: It is with deep sadness that I write this letter of resignation. And then blank. more pondering .more doodling. nothing is making sense. I have never worked as hard as I did with this first job. I wanted Ms X to know this. that behind these words, masks my true feelings. I dont want to leave but i have no choice. Ms X and the rest of the dysrhtymia family knew I fought very hard to stay. But this was not a new grad progam, time is running out. I was not measuring up to their standards. I did not deliver. It was a painful reality check. I was a failure. And no amount of reasoning and sugar coated comfort words can erase the fact that this new grad will leave the floor with no goodbye hugs and thank yous. No picture taking. No farewell party. I will leave as quickly as I came.
The short list of people that genuinely cared for me in the little amount of time that I was there would have to wait for a proper goodbye from me. I dont know when this will happen but goodbyes are still definitely in order. I owe it to them. They have taught me alot. The real nursing stuff. Life lessons that I will carry with me like a badge of honor and some of these lessons are from people that are not nurses. My mother has always taught me that if i have nothing good to say to anyone, I should bite my tongue and hold my silence. And as a good daughter, I will do it even if I have every excuse in the book to be angry and complain FOUL but i do not wish to burn my bridges. I dont want to be angry anymore...
I dont want to play the blame game anymore and I am tired of pity parties for myself. It has been a very frustrating experience to be a new grad and not be in a new grad program. My life would have been a little easier. maybe. But i digress. My eyes are welling up--i will miss them terribly. The small act of kindness that they have shown towards me are like soothing balm to my bruised ego. I am wishing that despite the anonymity, someone from that floor will read this and recognize me. The new grad. The new orientee. The one thats always infront of the computer. reading the charts. trying to decode the meditech system. This not so new grad wants to send some shout-outs. To the people that mattered to me, Thank you. I hope our paths will cross again.It was a pleasure working with you.
To Ms X, my director and to the rest of the naysayers,i guess you were right. I am not meant to be in the critical care setting. YET. but with time and if fate allows me. then I shall become one. It was just too sad to admit defeat so early on my part but we all agreed it wasnt working.
Next week, I will be jobless again. I will spend my entire day surfing the net for RN jobs in los angeles.
I was but for a brief time, a part of the working class. I am now a part of the jobless statics. I just had a fleeting moment. I will not begged or bargain as my roommate would suggest. He thinks I should start helping pay the bills. I was long over due to work. He just couldnt understand the concept of "things not working out". We have sacrificed so much for this dream together. maybe that dream was the only one that has kept us going together for so long. It was my dream, he invested on it. I am coming home empty-handed.
I have disappointed alot of people and alot of people have disappointed me. The only difference is that I have to deal with the hurt and shame alone. I was like one big unpolished diamond in school. I was holding so much potential. It was a source of pride for my teachers to see me succeed. Not because I was a good student but by my personal journey trying to finish nursing school by itself was laudable given the ginormous stumbling blocks that I had to overcome.
The private nursing school that i was initially enrolled folded up after 2 semesters leaving me with a huge amount of debt but a local community college accepted my cohort. It was an uncertain future that has befallen us but I was undeterred. I studied like i never did and was rewarded with good grades but this brief respite was shaken when I learned that my youngest and only brother was diagnosed with terminal colon cancer. I was in total in denial. School was very important. I had a time frame to finish and i intend to finish well. I dont want anything to sidetrack me anymore. I want to be a nurse so badly i was initially hesitant to take care of my brother. The seriousness of his illness did not sink in early. I didnt know that we had so little time together until he had his first chemo. I was with him but my heart was torn. school was important but my brother was living on borrowed time. there was no question in my mind that I had to prioritize him. school was put on hold. We were the only family here and together we will fight the good fight. It was an emotional rollercoaster ride. I was able to sneak in a few minor classes and take a part time tutoring job.
I really thought he was going to get better. We had alot of good days after the chemo. He wanted me to become an oncology nurse. I wanted him to get better so I can resume my rudely interrupted studies. I was one very selfish person. I promised my brother of good times ahead AFTER I FINISH NURSING SCHOOL. He always said okay. He lived for 16 months . Timing couldnt have been more appropriate, I was in 3rd semester med-surg. Oncology and palliative care were major subjects. I came back again to school a day after I buried him. He was only 30 years. He was my biggest sorrow and my greatest joy.
I promised him that I will finish nursing school. He was my inspiration but he did not live to see me receive my diploma. There were only 3 people during my graduation. It was just my in-laws and my husband. I had no family there. He missed out on that one.
Im sorry bro, if at this point in time, I am not the nurse that you always taught i would be. This resignation letter is finish. I am tired of fighting for everything that I wanted.
I have always been a fighter but keeping to stay in this job is a losing battle. I always found it ironic that achievements are measured through your numbers like your GPA, certifications and in nursing, your experience. If life experiences were to be counted in, I am sure I would have been accepted easily through any job. I collect rejection letters for my past time. My resume is not good enough for most of them. The only place that took me in was this first job that i am leaving with a heavy heart.
Ms x, I just want you to know that I gave the best I could. I could have begged for another chance but I wont. It should have been the other way, if you thought i was good enough for something. But alas, i am dispensable. I am just a new grad nurse.